Oh la la! Ain't a joke!

How big a number is a BILLION?

joke_1_billion Billion notation in UK, Europe & Australia: 1,000,000,000 or 109 Scientific
Billion notation in USA: 1,000,000,000,000 or 1012 Scientific
1 Billion in context - About 109 minutes ago, the Roman Empire was flourishing and Christianity was emerging. (roughly 1,900 years ago)
A billionaire is someone who has saved £1 every minute since the Roman Empire. A Billionaire is worth more than the GDP (Gross Domestic Product) of Australia, Netherlands or Sweden. Only 15 countries exceed £1 billion in GDP
To count to 1,000, counting 1 for every second continuously, it would take 17 minutes. Counting to one million at the same rate, it would take 12 days (counting nonstop, day and night). But counting to one billion would take 32 years!

joke_1_president There are Zillions...
The secretary of defense gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "Oh No!" the president exclaimed. "That's Terrible!" His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands. Finally, the president looked up and asked: "Just how many is a brazillion?"


joke_kangaroo_beer

Australians and Kangaroos

The current kangaroo population estimate for the commercially harvested kangaroos released by the Federal Government puts their numbers at 50 to 60 million which means that there are approximately three kangaroos hopping around for every walking Australians.

Australian population (2015) = 24 million
Greater Mexico City population (2015) = 21.2 million


joke_1_eve

Creative Eve

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"
Do you know why God created a Man first and then proceeded in creating a Woman? Well, apparently God needed a rough draft before the final copy.... as if!
By the way... If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


Snippets

Sleep Tight - In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." Honeymoon - It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the "honeymoon".
Pints & Quarts - In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Wet your whistle - Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Son of a gun! - After sailors had crossed the Atlantic to the West Indies, they would take the native women on board the ship and have their way with them in between the cannons. Some of the women the sailors left behind would have boys, who were called sons between the guns.

THE LAW

Rudin's Law:
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst possible one.
Chisholm's Law:
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have obviously overlooked something.
Livingston's rule of accuracy:
When working toward the solution of a problem, it helps if you know the answer. Corollary: Provided, of course, you know there is a problem.
Weller's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
One of Murphy's Laws of Technology:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Ancient security laws:
A lot of the laws refer to medieval wars such as the conflicts that England had with Scotland or Wales hundreds of years ago, and are to do with the fact that no foreigner during these times was ever seen in the country, so that if one were to be seen then it might mean they were invading. Here are some more bizarre laws:

In York it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a crossbow upon seeing one, except for on Sundays. However any Scotsman caught drunk or with a weapon can still be shot on a Sunday, except with a bow and arrow.

Similarly in Chester it is legal to shoot a Welsh person with a crossbow, as long as it is within the city walls and is done after midnight.

In Chester, Welsh people aren't allowed to enter the city grounds before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

Under the UK's Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you don't want him to know, though you don't have to tell him anything you don't mind him knowing.

...........and finally:
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.

Bad Landings

An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. joke_1_landing_kid Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?", "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Bad Landings Announcements

• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

• After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."

• Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


Elizabeth I apparently did enjoy a romp and a coarse joke or innuendo, but any witticism designed to deflate her dignity was not well taken. She certainly had a sense of humour. One tale is that the Earl of Oxford bowed to her and inadvertently let out a fart. He was so ashamed, he left the country for seven years. On his return to the court the Queen welcomed him and said, "My lord, I had forgot the fart!"

joke_1_regina


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joke_the_facts
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000 ...Wow! The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..." Slowly, the husband lowered his paper, turned to his wife and said, "What?"

Q: Did you hear about the slow swimmer?
A: He could only do the crawl.

Q: How do people swimming in the ocean say HI to each other?
A: They Wave!




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